My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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