I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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