Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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