none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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