Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
