Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
