i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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