GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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