New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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