My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My dick has a subreddit
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
