so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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