Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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