he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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