This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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