This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
