He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
