Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
