Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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