Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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