we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
