You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
