Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
