Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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