I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
