just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
