On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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