I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
