Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
