Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
