I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I wish there were birth control emojis
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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