Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
