Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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