i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
