I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
