I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
