just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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