Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
