when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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