I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
