shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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