i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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