i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
