My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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