Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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