Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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