Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
that may or may not have been my penis.
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