standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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