I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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