I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
