the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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