Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
