I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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