erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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