on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
