What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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